Wedding Belles

Ours wasn’t the only wedding in 2009. I had to come to terms with the fact that my little brother isn’t little anymore. Admittedly, he hasn’t been ‘little’ since he shot up to well over 6 feet tall in 1999, but I think even he will admit it took him a lot longer to grow up - about ten years, in fact. You see, in May 2009 my little brother stood up tall and married the woman who had given him the inspiration and strength to be the best man that he could be.

His wife doesn’t have a malicious bone in her entire body. She is incredibly kind, caring and immediately adopted me as another sister. In my short visits home over the previous two years I had watched in amazement as she patiently and completely transformed him. My Mom and Grandma applaud her for succeeding in what they had desperately tried to do for the previous ten years. The boy who wouldn’t get out of bed before 2pm was now driving his beloved to work at 6am without complaint (though at that time of the morning I don’t expect he really says much of anything); where he had previously taken anything he could get his hands on, he was now giving little tokens of affection; while he had never before acknowledged what other people were feeling, he was now offering help and showing gratitude for receiving it. The boy is clearly in Love – it has given him a sense of purpose and self-worth and has empowered him to finally grow into his mighty frame.

Before I touched down in Chicago, a week before the main event, I knew it was going to be a full-on visit with all the last-minute preparations, rehearsals, visitors and celebrations. To top it off, in the car ride down to Bloomington I found out there wasn’t just one wedding on the cards – my aunt was also getting married!

My aunt has been a huge support to me throughout my life, in a way providing the ying to my mother’s yang. Where I’ve seen my Mom as controlled and restrained, my aunt is more impulsive and carefree. She has always let me sound off to her about everything and anything. I’m sure she can chuckle at the evolution of my various personal conflicts from trying to fit in at school to developing an adult relationship with my mother to navigating through random political and moral worldviews. She and her partner have been together as long as I can remember, so he’s also had a big influence in my life. I distinctly remember the gruelling hours of practice he put me through to improve my skills and confidence enough to make the softball team in 8th grade. Summer afternoons have never been as baking hot before or since!

I don’t know all the details of their life together, but I know they have been through a lot and that they have always made decisions together, confidently. In spite of hardships, they have been together for over 20 years, but had never married so I must admit I was more than a bit surprised that they were choosing to tie the knot.

One of their deciding factors to wed had to do with health care; namely that they needed to be married for my aunt to include her partner in her health care benefits package. “In sickness and in health” is a fundamental aspect of any marriage, after all. Having just been through a decision-making process of my own, I knew the importance of taking whatever steps are necessary to ensure the security of my relationship. They got married with no pomp and circumstance in their front room, witnessed by small crowd of close family and friends and administered by a justice of the peace.

My brother’s wedding the following week could not have been more different. It was, in every sense, a traditional wedding with a young couple committing themselves to each other in front of God and everyone. There was a blur of chaos and stress leading up to it, but the big day was beautiful and the ceremony perfectly represented the two of them. The church was full with extended family and friends from both sides. I cried when they said their vows and laughed as my brother drove his bride around the church car park with his head peering out the sun roof.

The stark contrast between these two events is quite revealing. Both are considered to be weddings and both resulted in two individuals marrying, yet their reasons for marrying and the ceremonies undertaken are products of these couples’ circumstances and aspirations. At no time did anyone from the government step in to question or regulate the validity of either. There was no government official present to assess their love for each other, question how they intended to live their lives together or to obligate them to have children.

While my aunt and her partner may not have ever felt marriage was for them in terms of the holy matrimony aspects, the civil aspects of marriage were absolutely fundamental to their overall wellbeing and happiness. Ironically, while some would see this approach to marriage as little more than a paper exercise, their decision to marry has affirmed their commitment to each other and has ultimately strengthened their relationship like nothing else could. I know for certain they are grateful for the opportunity that their marriage has afforded them.

I admire this post by Louis J Marinelli, which illustrates my point here perfectly. After years of narrowly understanding marriage as ‘holy matrimony’ he now appreciates, and perfectly articulates that the government should only be concerned with regulating the civil aspects of marriage. Once this is understood, it is clear that the civil rights afforded through marriage should be applied equally under the law to all citizens, regardless of gender. It takes a lot of guts to admit you have been wrong in the past and I hope he will continue to be a champion for marriage equality. I know that me, C and our friends and family will.