We Did

C and I were looking forward to 2009. We recognised all the risks, forward-planning and hard work that it had taken for us to get to where we were and we were ready to finally be settled in our new place. At the same time, we knew that my Fresh Talent Scheme visa was due to expire in December. It was becoming more and more apparent that my status as a non-permanent resident meant it was nearly impossible for us to make any long-term plans together because our future together (geographically speaking) wasn’t clear.

I could have applied to remain in the country on my own merits, sponsored by my employer but there were challenges associated with that route. First, the company would have to advertise my job and I would have to re-apply to keep it; this was relatively routine and everyone was confident it was a low-risk. More importantly, though my status in the UK would be bound to my employment at this company: so, if I were to lose my job for any reason, I would have to find another employer to sponsor me or leave the country. Normally I wouldn’t have considered losing my job as a real possibility, but the evidence of the recession was more apparent than ever and unemployment levels for my sector were growing exponentially. Redundancies were (and still are) a possibility, and the options for finding alternative jobs quickly were (and still are) incredibly limited. This wouldn’t have provided us with any sense (or reality) of security.

It made more sense for me to apply to stay in the country based on the legitimate reason for me wanting to be here – so that I could live my life with my partner. In the UK, that was a real option for us.

I have to pause for an aside here. I had originally written “Fortunately, in the UK, that was a real option for us.” Yet it’s not by luck or chance or circumstance that the UK affords gays and same-sex couples equality under the law. Enormous effort and resources have gone into campaigning for and achieving equal rights often in spite of efforts by the ‘moral majority’ to exclude gays. It’s certainly not perfect I can’t help but admire a political system that not only recognises the importance of treating everyone fairly in rhetoric, but also in policy, procedure and practice.

The first Civil Partnership in the UK happened in December 2005. C often talks about how she never thought marriage equality would happen. As a teenager she had to seek out a hidden scene in basement bars with blacked out windows tucked away from public life. Because it was new and topical, we had talked a lot about getting married early on in our relationship and knew that it was what we wanted to do when the time was right for us. I think we’d always assumed that in order to get married we’d have to have a wedding, and all the pomp and circumstance that went with it. I didn’t want to do that without including my friends and family in some way and there was still a lot of relationship-building that needed to happen for that to be a possibility.

The more we talked about it, though, the more apparent it became that neither of us were ‘wedding’ people. The thought of having to plan and execute a day where we were the centre of attention was our collective idea of hell. We were all for celebrating our love and commitment to each other; just not as a public spectacle. It became apparent very quickly that, actually, there really wasn’t a better reason for us to make a formal commitment to each other. It would enable us to have a secure future together and finally start planning our life beyond the next visa.

So, in February, we were engaged. There was no ostentatious proposal and we didn’t actually tell anyone, but it was incredibly romantic.

Despite not having a wedding as such, we still had a lot of planning to do. We wanted to register our civil partnership on 20 August 2009, our fourth anniversary, and needed to time our various applications and submissions to the Home Office accordingly. We needed a Certificate of Approval from the Home Office (processing time 4 weeks; valid for 3 months) in order to give notice to register our Civil Partnership to the registrar in Edinburgh. We then had to seal the deal within 3 months. After that we could apply for me to get Indefinite Leave to Remain as the spouse of a UK citizen any time before December, when my other visa expired. The process was pretty straightforward and we had plenty of time to get it all in place. Once we knew what we had to do and when, we were able to relax and really enjoy the build-up to starting a future together.

We even had enough wiggle room to programme in a holiday to Rhodes in July. C’mon...it wouldn’t have been ‘us’ without some time in the sun! It was an incredible week and we spent a day leisurely wandering around Rhodes Old Town shopping for rings. We’d seen a few possibilities, but eventually found two simple matte white gold bands with a polished continuous wave. We had them sized and went off to bask in the sun while they were engraved with our wedding date. A few short hours later, our most prized possessions were stowed away in a small blue velvet ring box.

We kept our plans on a need-to-know basis, only revealing to people when we were ready for them to know. That may seem selfish, but we weren’t doing this for anyone else and really didn’t want the fuss that comes with big announcements. In June, we had each asked a friend in Edinburgh to be our witnesses out of necessity, but we waited until August to tell our families.

It was a somewhat difficult telling C’s family because we weren’t including them in the ceremony. Both of her brothers had church weddings and she had been very involved in those. At the same time, we didn’t want the day to pass without them even knowing about it. I know they all had wished they could have been there, but we are incredibly grateful for the respect they showed us in simply accepting that we were doing things our own way. I have been touched by how they each acknowledged and celebrated our union with us since then.

I told my Mom over the phone. At the time she seemed a bit distant in her response, but the next day she emailed me:

 5 August 2009

Thanks for sharing with me about you and C. I just want you to be happy and I like C and know that her family has been very kind to include you in so many activities and holidays (which helps me to feel better knowing that you have somewhere to be at those times).  I also know that C and I have not had much of an opportunity to get to know each other...

Be happy (that is what I wish and want for you).  If being with C makes both of you happy and you realize the problems and hardships that you might face that is all that matters.  
Much Happiness Always!!
Hugs and Kisses
Mom

On the 20 August, C and I spent the morning at home. We exchanged cards, rings and lifelong intentions in private before setting off together. We met our witnesses outside the flower shop on Broughton Street where we picked up thistle corsages. It was raining, so we got a taxi up to the Registry Office, just off the Royal Mile. I took a few minutes to freshen up before our registrar met us and took us upstairs to a beautiful room. He said a few respectful words before going through the legal aspects of the ceremony. I remember us looking at each other as we signed our certificate. My hand was shaking and I felt overwhelmed by emotion. I was excited and nervous at the same time – this was unchartered territory for both of us but felt comforting. It was the right time.

As we walked out of the registry office, Edinburgh’s city centre had been transformed. The sun was beaming down and the streets were overflowing with festival-goers. We wandered up the Royal Mile and met a street performer acting as a statue. She was in gold from head to toe and for £1 she handed us a golden rose. We walked up towards the castle and wandered down Ramsay Lane, stopping at Mound Place with the whole of Edinburgh’s New Town in front of us. It was so fitting to be surrounded by the same buzz of Edinburgh in August that had brought us together four years previously. There is a picture of us laughing together there that is one of my favourite photos of us ever.

As we returned home together that evening we simultaneously exhaled a sigh of relief - the next chapter in our life had just begun and we were starting it in style, with a 3-week honeymoon in Australia. Little did we know that C would have an opportunity to get to know my Mom very well before we applied for my next visa, though the circumstances were highly unexpected...