Welcome.
Apparently they let you put anything on the internet these days. This blog? It’s free. All I have to do is direct my thoughts into type, submit and *poof* there it is...out there for general public consumption. The true merit of this will surely be proven in time...
As I write this first entry, I’m closing down my life in 2010. This time of year always brings on a lot of personal reflection. How did 12 months pass so quickly? Did I make the most of this year? What will 2011 bring? It seems to me that 2010 is bringing on a lot more reflection than previous years. Maybe this is because I turn 30 next year and for some reason this particular milestone is driving me to get my ducks in a row in a ‘cosmic universe’ kind of way.
To be honest, my life is pretty damn brilliant. Even in the middle of this recession, I’ve got a lovely flat in Edinburgh to call home, money in the bank and a career that will take me places. But most importantly I’ve got an amazing family...and I only started to fully realise that over the last 18 months.
I’ll go into a lot more detail about where I come from and how I got here through future posts, but for now here’s a brief overview: I grew up in the Midwest in the USA and caught a real fever for travel at an early age. After graduating from Illinois Wesleyan University with a BSc in 2003, I moved to Newcastle, Australia to complete a Masters degree. When I finished that, a series of somewhat ill-thought-out decisions led me to Edinburgh, Scotland where I met the woman of my dreams. I completed yet another Masters degree and became a professional in Edinburgh while our relationship blossomed and on 20 August 2009 we got married.
Now, I know I’ve been protected from most of the bad stuff that happens to a lot of people in life. I’ve benefitted greatly from a family who is in a position to emotionally support my constant habit of doing things the hard way and financially support my various educational endeavours even though my choices have ultimately taken me to the other side of the world from them. When I left the USA in 2003 I don’t think any of us could have imagined that I would end up settling abroad. But it seems that I’m kind of stuck outside the USA now because of one single aspect of my life: I’m not in a heterosexual relationship.
My partner and I are married in the UK. I use the word married because that’s what it feels like to us, but in legal terms we are in a Civil Partnership. Regardless of the terminology, we are completely committed to each other and the UK government recognises our domestic arrangement in pretty much exactly the same way it would a marriage between a man and a woman. We are afforded the same legal rights and responsibilities and I can stay in this country as the spouse of a UK citizen.
There are a growing number of States that recognise same-sex relationships in some way, either as a marriage or a civil union. This year is particularly relevant for me because the Illinois Senate passed Bill 1716: Religious Freedom and Marriage Fairness Act which, when signed into law will mean that we can register as civil partners in my home state and celebrate with friends and family. However, a number of layers of legal barriers still exist that, among other things, deny me the opportunity to sponsor my partner to come live with me in the USA. So, despite being a permanent fixture in my family, under the current legislation she will never be more than a tourist in my country.
In effect this is a blog of my personal journey in trying to understand and attempt to overcome the various inequalities I stumble upon in trying to reconcile my family. Taking the time to write things down in a rational way will help me deal with the complex emotions that these inequalities evoke; but I’m putting it out there for complete strangers to read because I think it this is an important medium to raise awareness about and to get other people’s perspectives on the issues and logic that make up the so-called American underpinning this legislative framework.
I’m really looking forward to this journey even though I know it’s going to be a tremendous personal challenge. Thank you for joining me along the way – you are welcome to stay for as little or as long as you like.
Hi there, you can find me on FB & Twitter @thomvernon...my blog is AmericanRefugee.wordpress.com, website: thomvernon.com. We're in the same boat you are but a little closer to home in Toronto. Let's communicate. There are a bunch of us bi-national queers up here (my partner is from Zimbabwe). We're married through and through and loving (almost) every minute of it. My partner just applied for Cdn. citizenship; I do the same next year. I'll keep my American cit. in my back pocket. So nice to see you here. Friend me, say hi &/or shoot me an email thom@thomvernon.com Hope this finds you well, thom
ReplyDeleteHi, your blog is great and really hit me close to home so to speak. I too am a 29 year old and in the same situation but with a role reversal. I'm from Scotland, I did my B.Sc in Edinburgh then travelled a lot and then settled at Purdue Univerisity where I met my wife. We graduated from Purdue and moved to California 3 years ago and got married before prop 8 was overturned but of course no matter what we do we are not recognized, specifically with immigration rights. I pretty much have less rights here than our 5 dogs (I like to joke about that with them). I am lucky that I am here in the U.S. on a working visa and am in the process of getting my green card but it SHOULDN'T be this hard for homosexual couples compared to heterosexual couples. I really relate to your situation and would like to talk more with you :)
ReplyDeleteYou will find that there are quite a number of us Americans married to Brits and living in the UK because we can't sponsor our same-sex spouses for immigration. Check out Love Exiles or StopTheDeportations. I live in Manchester with my British (English) wife. We were married in Canada in 2004, and it took me a year after that to get my visa. The Civil Partnership Act wasn't in effect yet, then.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck on your journey.
My American partner and I are civilly partnered and living in London. It seems that we're not alone, as we've met at least four other binational same-sex couples in the same situation in our small neighbourhood. It's a really tough situation for so many couples, particularly those who wish to be near their home and family during difficult times. What we really need though is some solidarity in the UK, as a lot of the groups such as Love Exiles aren't especially active and aren't raising enough awareness about this abroad. It feels like most of the demos that happen in the US aren't representative of how badly this situation needs to be resolved (because many couples aren't actually living in the US). I feel incredibly lucky that I'm able to sponsor my partner for immigration, but that's not much use to American citizens who love those from countries without equal immigration rights. I love my new family and just wish that we could be living a bit closer to them.
ReplyDeleteBlogs like this one are vital for raising awareness. It was really heartening to read it :-)
Thanks to everyone for your words of encouragement.
ReplyDeleteIt's comforting for us to know that there are others who can relate to our situation. We are always wondering how many binational couples are out there, especially in the UK. I know numbers have been estimated but how empowering would it be to stand up and be counted?
One of my objectives through this journey is to raise visibility about this issue in the USA and abroad, so there may be some attempts in the near future to do that in a tangible way. Of course I'd be grateful for any of your ideas and support along the way!